From the Journal of Corporal Harris
by Tjin
Summary: After Buffy finds out Xander lied to her Xander runs away. Only to find that 'Hell' is a subjective term.
1. From the Journal of Corporal Harris

Okay this was written to Kill a plot bunny (One shot story and un-beta'd)

Everything up to the Angelus deal happened but Xander ran when Buffy found out he lied.

This is a page from his journal

Date: August 2nd 1998

Location: Classified

Memo to self: NEVER VOLUNTEER FOR ANYTHING!

From the Journal of Corporal Harris. Alexander L.

This SUCKS! Who ever thought Boot would be a breeze was blowing smoke out his ass. I swear if I had any idea I would never have stepped foot on that bus. Parris isle was thirteen weeks of hell and the Devil wore a Smoky the Bear the entire time. I think I might have been able to ignore the heat and humidity, but the damned Sand fleas had to come from the Hellmouth itself.

I don't know why drove all the way to Tennessee to enlist for but it probably had something to do With San Diego being to close to my old life.

Stepping on the bus introduced me to my nemesis throughout training. Adrian Adolph Shephard was a first class Pain in the ASS. And he was my bunkmate and sparing partner from day one.

It seems the D.I. got a kick out of pitting me against Shephard in almost any type of conflict they could set up, From Peeling Potatoes and cleaning Latrines to twelve mile races in full Combat load out.

After Boot Shephard and me found we were one of the few without anywhere to go (Shephard never told me about his family but I get the feeling we have more in common then a need to excel) so we decided to put the past behind us and go get some drinks.

After getting out of the jail (The judge found that there was no way to people could cause that much structural damage to a building) we barely made it back in time to avoid being AWOL before we were shipped off to MOS.

It was no surprise that Shephard and I made top scores on the gun range (I beat him slightly with the AT-4... it seemed kind of familiar) before being listed for active duty.

It was a surprise when we were ordered to the base commander's office. The hits kept on coming when a three star was the one that Requested' the interview. I barely kept from breaking rank when he asked about Gang members on PCP, Vigilante kids and a missing AT-4 from the Sunnydale Army base.' and my involvement with the events in Sunnydale.

Thinking about it a moment I took a breath and told him about fighting the Gang members' for most of my high school years that yes I had taken the RPG to stop a threat from said group.

With a nod the general looked between Shephard and me for a second before picking up two envelopes from the desk and handing it to the two of us with orders to take a week off and consider the options.

It seemed the general was starting a special multi-branch force to handle Unspecified Hostiles in unspecified conditions.' Both of us agreed before we left the office.

What followed was six month's of heavy combat training in some of the worst hell holes on the planet.

From Death Valley to Antarctica we were forced to traverse kilometers and arrive in Combat ready' (AKA Standing) condition.

Most of the other trainees where marines and army (The Navy had some of there SEAL Cadets and even the Air-force had a few rookies here)

What we failed to realize is that even though there where almost a thousand cadets at the beginning of training. Only two hundred would be considered for the positions. (Thank god for Murphy's laws or that Finn prick would have beaten out Shephard or me.)

After the selection process we were down to one hundred and thirteen Marines, forty five Army pukes, nineteen Air force wimps and twenty three Navy SEAL Cadets.

Shephard went into the third squad while I was set into the thirteenth.

It was three weeks later we started training for the Unspecified Hostiles' by assaulting a Hostile controlled building'

Taking aim at the first hostile I realized my life was more complicated then I first thought.

Firing two rounds into the skull of the huge humanoid form I tracked down and put two into its heart. With a grin I watched the large Trecan demon slump to the floor.

Thumbing the mike I reported the down and ordered double taps on all hostile targets.

I guess I should have taken to heart the words NEVER VOLUNTEER FOR ANYTHING!'

it's been three weeks since we were introduced to the bumps (One of the Air boys started calling them that) and now where being prepped for some heavy assault mission (I swear if the Shits in the weapons cage have messed with the sights on my M4 I'll rip them apart.)

Most of the guys seem to think this is gonna be a quick Hit & Get mission, the fact there sending all of us sets my teeth on edge, that there releasing ALL of the depleted uranium rounds really start to set off my warning bells, ooh well I know Murphy is gonna bite me in the ass for this but how hard can it be... I've never even heard of Black Mesa Nevada.

Shit there's the load up call... guess I'll write more when the missions done.

- Xander.


	2. From the Journal of Gunny Harris

Date: March 4th 1999

Location: Classified.

Memo to Self: KILL FREEMAN!

From the Journal of Gunny Harris, Alexander L.

THIS SUCKS! I swear, Murphy is out to get me.

After the whole fiasco under Black Mesa, the 'Response Detail' was decommissioned and the forces split up.

That Bastard son of an Army private Freeman got transferred to the X-304 'Darkstar' because of his 'Knowledge' of the possible hostiles encountered in its exploration.

My squad was wiped out under that damn mountain, Correns and O'Finn where killed before touchdown when the Helo crashed. "Matthews blamed himself for O'Finns death until that damn Zap lizard managed to get too close."

Most of the others were killed off one by one, Johnson died while trying to disarm a bomb Freeman planted on the hydro dam. Turner was hit by a grunt and a headcrab picked him up before we managed to E-Vac. AND THAT BASTARD FREEMAN IS TRANSFERRED TO THE DARKSTAR?

Surprisingly both Shephard and myself made it out alive. "Shephard has since been listed as MIA while on a training exercise in South America." Only I hear something about 'Area 52' and an 'SGC.' Whatever the hell that stands for.

And that leads me here, back to good old Sunnyhell.

That Finn prick is here and guess what, Murphy threw me in under his command. Dumb shit wants us to hit the bumps with these wanna-be tazers before taking them back for "study"

I don't get it, Finn is a good soldier, but what the hell does he think they're doing with them? And who the hell named them "Hostile Sub-Terrestrials?" Damn bumps.

On the plus side I managed to get a hold of a small portion of the 'Killer of the Dead' poison Faith used on Dead Boy a few month's ago. Managed to slip a few drops into Hostile Seventeen's food yesterday.

Well at least Finn accepts I know a bit more about these things then he does. I would be a hell of a lot better if they didn't keep trying to get me to take these damn "Vitamin enhancements."

Shit Buffy just walked by. "Why the hell did Finn bring her down here?"

Better hide my weapons and gear from Black Mesa from Walsh and make myself scarce.

Write more later,

-Xander


	3. From the Journal of Gunny Harris 'Ret'

Date: January 2nd 2001

Location: Sunnydale.

Memo to Self: KILL TRAVERS!

From the Journal of Gunny Harris, Alexander L. (Ret)

Well yesterday the council of watchers came by to see if we were 'Worthy' of the information they had on glory.

Worthy my ass, they wanted to flaunt what little power they have, turns out Travers doesn't HAVE any info on the bitch other then that she has killed six slayers.

I made a few calls last night and Riley is sending my Displacer over (Lets see the bitch make it back from Xen), Believe it or not but Cornbred (He hates that nickname) isn't that big of a prick once you get to know him (and once he stops listening to the Frankenstein bitch)

As it turns out Riley is even getting married (To someone with a personality no less.) I'm thinking of sending him a packet of corn seeds.

Anyway, turns out everyone thinks Dawn is fake now and keeps going on how she's this 'Key' thing the glory bitch is looking for.

I mean there gonna believe one dying monk and an INSANE hellbitch or every memory that we have of her?

I just don't get them sometime.

…

I'm back, seems Travers has called in a Council wetworks team to try 'Dealing' with us… guess I need to send a message to the council.

I'll write more when I get back from England.


	4. From the Journal of Gunny Harris 'Ret' 2

Date: May 4th 2001

Location: Sunnydale.

Memo to Self: NEVER say 'Your Momma' to a four hundred pound German after he screams at you, especially when he's your cell mate.

From the Journal of Gunny Harris, Alexander L. (Ret)

Dealt with Glory before I headed to Merry Ol' England.

Managed to 'Convince' the council that attempting to 'Sanction' us would be a bad idea.

I don't know what they're mad at, I even told them that Travers blood would come right out with some carbonated saltwater and a bit of scrubbing. (And a quick coat of paint will cover what got on the ceiling as well.)

Stopped off in Genovia for the royal crowning of their new Princess, Managed to avert a small apocalypse during it so that turned out well. (But that Joe guy is SCARY.)

Decided to swing past my great great grand uncle's place and check out his museum over in Freedonia. (And I thought Lavelle was bad, who the heck names there kid 'Rufus T. Firefly?)

Made a run through Germany on my way back to check out a supposed demon in the Munich circus. 'Dark blue skin, red eyes, three fingers and toes and a prehensile tail.'

Turns out whatever it was bugged out before I got there.

And that's where I was picked up.

Turns out the 'Council' decided I was too much of a threat and decided to flex a bit of muscle and see if they could get me out of the picture by running me up on terrorist charges and Murder One.

Took one phone call and about twelve hours for those 'in the know' decided they REALLY didn't want this to hit the news and I was ejected from the building with a stern warning.

Twelve hours may not seem like much, but trust me, its WAY to long when you're stuck in a cell with a four hundred pound German that doesn't speak a word of English and seems upset that my German was limited to several key phrases I learned while looking up demons.

Secondary Memo to Self: DO NOT! Start repeating things from a book of Demon lore to said four hundred pound German.

Oh well, I finally made it back (Heard the most tragic thing about the council on the way back though… seems some despicable being blew up the council chambers (With most of the council inside.)

I'm just so SNIFF overly distraught over the whole issue, He He He.

Finally back home though and what do I find out? Three little shits seem to want to be big bads around here.

The Judge.

The Mayor.

The Master.

Angelus.

Acthala.

Glory.

ADAM.

And now we're going to add Warren Meer, Andrew Wells and Jonathan Livingston to the list?

Yeah… right I'll sooner believe Harmony is a Master Vampire before I believe that.

…

…

Buffy just came in with a report that Warren hit Dawn with some kind of 'Love Ray'

Guess I need to go have a few 'Words' with Warren and crew, I wonder what they will think of all the creative idea's I can get from a hardware store.

Will write more when I get back.

- Xander.


	5. From the Journal of Gunny Harris 'Ret' 3

Date: November 8th 2001

Location: Outside of Sunnydale.

Memo to Self: Thermobaric Munitions (While fun) should, well, be considered a bit… much.

From the Journal of Gunny Harris, Alexander L. (Ret)

Well it finally happened.

Princess Buffy herself has managed to help the enemy more then anyone else in history.

But to get an understanding, we have to go back a few months to just after I finished 'Dealing' with Warren.

First off it seems Dawn was caught stealing and Buffy read her the riot act. She did fail to mention the fact that she had broken into a sporting goods shop with faith and that I had stolen from an Army base.

After that fiasco Buffy had a conversation with Willow and Dawn's attitude turned a full one eighty on us. On a hunch I looked into it and found Willow had been changing memories around (Only reason I found out was thanks to this Journal.)

I decided then and there to write everything down. At least, I think I did, after reading my journal the next morning I found I had gone to confront her on the subject and she had messed with my mind AGAIN.

When I started to confront her again she started yet ANOTHER spell. Well I put a stop to that right then and there. (She may be damn powerful as a witch but you would be surprised how few spells you can cast with your jaw broken in three places.)

I finally managed to convince her to break the spells. (It was that or I would break the spells in the only way I knew how, thankfully the machete was intimidating enough to convince her.) After our memories returned I was hard pressed not to cancel her spell casting permanently. The only thing that stopped me was Tara asking me not to hurt her before she left (I managed to convince her to stay with Captain Cornbred and Co.)

After that Giles and Willow headed to England for some quality Magic learning time in Worcestershire or something like that (I swear he almost strangled me when I asked why they named a place after a cooking sauce.)

Well Buffy got worse after that and started spending all of her time with the new school principle and totally neglected Dawn. (it took me three months to get Dawn emancipated so she could get out of that house and into one of the apartments across the hall, it took another month after that before Buffy even noticed Dawn had moved out.)

When she did find out, she stormed over to Dawn's and knocked the door in demanding that Dawn come back home. You should have seen her face when the cops showed up and arrested her for trespassing, destruction of private property and disorderly conduct.

(The judge set her sentence at two hundred and fifty dollars for repairs to the door and Seventy two hours community service.) It took two weeks before she started talking to us again.

Willow and Giles returned and Willow started gushing over Buffy's new boyfriend (I Admit Principal Wood isn't the worst guy Buffy's gone out with, but I wonder why Buffy keeps going out with people so much older than her.)

Anyway, things were fine until these 'Potentials' started showing up. Seems this dumb shit preacher with an accent any one of the more locally born recruits at Parris would have beaten the shit out of him for, has decided to start killing off these 'Potentials' in hopes of stopping the slayer line or something equally moronic.

Anyway he has this beans and cabbage fart that follows him around calling itself 'The First' (Please make a note of the capital letters there… it seems to think it's important enough to warrant it.)

Anyway I first caught sight of him as he tried to kill off one of the 'Pots' for some stupid reason or another. It took me a couple of minutes to stop the blood and get the kid to the hospital (Docs say she should pull through just fine.)

In the mean time we have these blind demon guys 'I don't know what they call themselves as their mouths are sewn shut, but this Caleb guy called them Bringers.' They seem intent on ripping the 'Pots' apart while Caleb keeps yammering on about whores and whatnot. I managed to get rid of most of the Bringers while 'General' Buffy attacked Caleb with a sword and had her ass handed to her.

Seems Caleb is bulletproof as I emptied an entire clip from the M4 into the bastard and only slowed him down. (The M204 seemed to knock the wind out of his sails though.)

Anyway Buffy almost got two of the Pots killed before they retreated (Buffy wanted to treat them at the house for who knows WHAT reason.) After dropping them off at the hospital (Buffy ranting and screaming at her troops the entire time.) I called up Riley and he promised a couple of squads.

Took them two days to get there and by that time every one but Willow, Buffy and an Annoying Pot named Kennedy had moved in with Dawn across the hall.

Well it took some looking but we finally managed to get the Pots away from the hellmouth (If someone is trying to kill a group of people DON'T PUT THEM ALL IN ONE PLACE!)

We found out what 'The First' was up to, Seems he wanted to open up this 'Seal' thing and let all these ancient vampires out to kill and maim. Then we found out Buffy was trying to convince Willow to cast a spell activating all the slayers. (Lets see, attempting to force a Magic addicted Witch to cast a spell no one has ever cast before, using an 'Axe' found by the enemy as a focus point?) Thankfully we got a warning out and a couple of covens around the world managed to cancel out Willow's spell.

One of the things required for the spell was a slayers blood, The First managed to get ahold of Buffy's slayer essence with that and headed for the Seal.

Anyway I managed to pick up a surprise and after The First opened the Seal I dropped it in. We managed to hold the majority of the Vampires in the hole with flamethrowers until the Fuel Air bomb exploded wiping out all of the 'Turok-Han.' It also had the unfortunate side effect of starting a chain reaction collapse of the area. We managed to E-vac everyone. (Most of the town had been deserted once those Bringers showed up.)

So here I am ignoring Buffy as she rants on about some damn medallion Dead-boy got a hold of for her. Ah well, seems she's running out of steam, I'm considering having her committed to a psych ward Riley uses for some of the men that crack under the strain of fighting Bumps. Maybe a few months in a nice cozy room will help her come to grips with her life.

In the meantime Riley has offered me a place in his squads, it's tempting but I don't think I'm going to go with it. This 'Mullins' guy keeps contacting me about joining 'The Shop'

I've been looking them over and you know what, I think they're my kind of group.

Write more later.

- Xander.


	6. From the Journal of Mr Harris

Date: December 24th 2001

Location: Cleveland, Ohio

Memo to Self: 'Stopping' a terrorist from escaping should not include the use of an 'A-10 Warthog

Secondary memo to self: an armored truck can NOT take three hundred rounds of 30mm Depleted uranium rounds. Just thought you should know.

From the Journal of Mr. Harris, Alexander L.

Dang, just read my last entry for Sunnydale and you know what… I think I was sort of out of it.

Anyway on to more important topics, my new job.

You know what, Mullins was right. Agreeing to work for 'The Shop' was one of the best decisions I've ever made

It took me a couple of days to convince Mullins and Hawk that the 'Bumps' were real, but once they did they jumped on the bandwagon with gusto.

Seems Mullins remembers some of the Vietcong would only come out during monsoon season and would rip our troops apart.

At the time Mullins just thought they were one some pretty heavy shit, but now he's wondering of they weren't Bumps all along.

Anyways they set me up so I would be 'Semi-Solo.' I still work for the Shop, but I'm a spin off group working under the Guns & Ammo shop.

I don't 'technically' do the same job as Mullins; instead I'm a mobile Bump enforcer.

Had to go deal with a terrorist cell trying to smuggle Qa'Toth demons into the U.S. last week, dumb shits had set off a nuke in the Florida keys then drove in to town and wanted to set another one off. (Heard some wacko stole a Harrier and blew the dumb shits away.)

As it turns out he wasn't as dumb as everyone thought he was. The nukes were a cover so he could move these demons into the mainland and let them loose. (Damn things are like rabbits when it comes to breeding.)

Luckily there was a Marine airbase nearby (Most of their fighters were on recon patrol after the 9/11 attacks and then the nukes, but they did have an A-10 fueling on the tarmac.)

Dang it's something else when you squeeze that trigger and the entire plane starts to slow from the recoil, but I will admit I held the trigger down just a bit too long. (I can admit that to myself, even if I will carry it to my grave with everyone else.)

Anyways after the 'debriefing' (read ass chewing) I finally made it back day before yesterday.

Crap, that's Tac-Op calling me for another job.

What the hell could be in Scotland that has the Royal Marines in such a shit storm?

Write more when I get back.


	7. From the Journal of Mr Harris 2

Date: January 3rd 2002/

Location: 32 miles northeast of the ruins of Raccoon City.

Memo to Self: Kill/Destroy/Maim/End Umbrella Corp.

They used a nuke.

They used a freaking nuke on the city.

It all started innocently enough, I had just made it back from that werewolf situation in Scotland (Ran into Oz as he tried to stop the wild pack.) when I heard several reports about a possible Necrocrotic research lab in the outskirts of Raccoon City.

By the time I made it here the place was entering lockdown due to (Get this) ZOMBIES!

And not the laughing joking semi psychotic cake making zombies like Jack & Co.

But real life GRRR ARG! Eat your brains out and turn you into one of them Night of the living dead Zombies.

Well thankfully me and Oz managed to hook up with a couple people at the school (This one redheaded wacko was going up against a bunch of Zombie dogs when we showed up.) we were still trying to get out of the town when we ran into a freak mountain WITH A FRICKING MINIGUN!

Well that set me off right there, I mean here I was with my rinky-dink MP5 and this son of a gun was walking around with a Vulcan Canon for heaven sakes.

Its impossible, the recoil will knock you off your feet, impossible to aim, too heavy, not enough ammo and a million other freaking thoughts rushed through my head when one took precedence.

RUN YOU DUMB SHIT!

Thankfully I managed to get out of firing range before the fricker cut loose.

Inaccurate my ass, Lack of ammo my big toe, he used the bullets to cut through ANYTHING we hid behind.

Finally this Alice chick took him on and we managed to get away.

She ran out this big long script about Umbrella Corp and them trying to make the ultimate weapon.

I swear if I find anything about the initiative in their computers I'm gonna go postal on their asses.

Anyways Oz and me got separated from everyone else so we highjacked a big rig and managed to get out through the blockade and we where hauling ass out of town when BLAM!

THEY NUKED THE FREAKING CITY!

Hawk, Mullins, if you read this remember FRY UMBRELLA CORP!

Nuclear Meltdown at the plant my ass.

That was a freaking FROG and that's no joke.

…

Shit Tac ops just called with an urgent Priority mission so I'm gonna have to cut this short.

Don't know what the hell Metal Gear Rex is and why they're Calling Mullins, Hawk, me and some 'Snake' guy in on this but my 'Oh Shit' Radar is pinging like crazy.

And why the hell do I have to go to Alaska?


	8. From the Journal of 'Steel Hyena'

Date: January 7th 2002

Location: Cleveland, Ohio

Memo to Self: GET A CHAINGUN!

Well I just made it back from that Charlie-Foxtrot the REMF's call a 'mission.'

It seems some 'Black Bag' super squad calling itself FOX-HOUND went Ape shit over some super soldiers that where going to be 'retired' by good old Uncle Sam.

So instead of going through the proper channels and being jerked around like the good little soldiers they were supposed to be, they stole all the super soldiers (the supes where called G-Nome troopers… funny, though they were a bit taller then two feet and weren't made of plaster) and took a nuclear containment and storage facility hostage until they gained the corpse of some old dude.

And here's the great part, IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF FREAKING ALASKA!

First, I freeze my holy left nut off swimming up to this place with this snack or snake guy (Don't really remember what he called himself.) as Mullins and Hawk couldn't make it, then we split up for Murphy alone knows what reason, Snake said something about a 'Metal Gear' before running off and leaving me to deal with this schitzo Grasshopper or whatever he called himself.

He may have had a weird name but BELIEVE ME, it's freaky fighting someone that knows every move your going to make before you do (At least until he hit me with this Psychic mind blast and I went just a bit… feral.)

Came back with the mental case babbling about my future while he was trapped under a slab of cement from the naval down (The amount of blood coming from under the slab kinda told me he wouldn't be doing the tango anytime soon.)

After he finally kicked off I managed to hook back up with Snail who had found this totally Gung-ho redhead who all but challenged me to arm-wrestle before keeping count of how many more kills she had then me. (I decided it was better to let her think she won, so I never mentioned the other three I killed to the one I let her see me kill.)

We had just settled into a type of peace while we fought our way to the uranium vault when this absolute monster of a man stepped out into the freezing cold snow wearing nothing but a pair of pants AND A FREAKING VULCAN CANNON!

I mean, what is it with all the bad guys getting chainguns while we mere 'Good Guys' still have to play with the laws of physics.

Well we all got separated in the ensuing maelstrom of lead and I ended up dealing with a pill popping sniper and the Spock crow guy three or four more times before he went down for the final time…

At least I hope that was the final time, there was no body after his crows ate him… I didn't know crows could eat bones.

Well, anyway we managed to beat the rest of the black ops team and destroy the Metal-gear (Which looks like some kind of a Gundam Wing reject if you ask Me) and escaped.

And that leads me here, sitting underneath the gunshop as I try to thaw myself out with hot water and steam and ignore the messages from this Big Boss guy as he tries to recruit me under the name 'Steel Hyena'

Like that'll ever happen.

…

Dawn just called, it seems some Precambrian life forms where found about ten years ago in the desert out in Nevada somewhere and she really wants to go as a graduation present.

Well I guess Nevada is safe enough.

How dangerous can a place called 'Perfection' be?

--

(A/N)

Charlie-Foxtrot Cluster… F

REMF Rear Echelon Mother… F


	9. From the Journal of Graboid Hunter

Date: January 12th 2002

Location: Perfection, Nevada

Memo to Self: NEVER! Allow Burt Gummer access to a chaingun. (I found a picture of his great grandfather with one AND I DON'T WANT HIM WITH THAT GRIN!)

Well that was… interesting

Yeah, interesting fits, well I'm sitting in the middle of a two bit worm infested town in the middle of Nevada laughingly calling itself Perfection. (And did I mention the worms?)

Dawn and I had just entered the valley (I hate worms now.) when this huge Chevy Avalanche almost ran us off the road. (I truly despise worms now.)

We caught up to them as we entered the two bit town. (Really I hate them almost as much as I hate clowns.) it turns out it belonged to this macho-militia mad man by the name of Burt Gummer. (Well it's a close call between them and clowns.)

After ignoring the urge to slash his tires, Dawn and I got a seat onboard this whack job's truck calling itself, 'Desert Jack's Graboid Adventure'

It was pretty much a snore worthy ride (I'm going to cackle every time I put a worm on a hook now.) until one of these 'Graboids' came up and finished swallowing a guy. (See it's that whole 'SWALLOWING A MAN WHOLE' thing that makes them almost as bad as clowns.)

We managed to distract it (After I knocked this whining tourist out cold.) and made a run for town. (I mean first the Mayor then that guy Anya cursed and now these.)

Anyways that, gung-ho gorilla was set to put these things back on the extinction list when these three putzes showed up and started spouting something about Articles of large desert reptiles and imminent domain.

You should have seen their eyes when I pulled out my Sat-Phone and had the president declare the graboids a 'Clear and Present Danger to the Safety of America's Citizens' and ordered their immediate destruction by any means necessary to be carried out by the Local Federal Marshal.

You should have seen Gummer's eyes when (Thanks to the recommendations of the Mexican and Venezuelan governments.) he was given an immediate issuance of Federal Marshal.

It was pretty cut and dry after that, (Gummer managed to order in several VERY large guns.) well except we missed one that eventually morphed into an "Ass Blaster' and we had to blow up Gummers compound to get rid of it.

But other than that there's not much to report. (Aside from the town voting to keep the one albino one, 'El-Blanco' around to screw over this 'Melvin' guy)

Dawn's decided to stay here and continue to observe the last surviving graboid under the direct supervision of Marshal Gummer.

So much for my Vacation, I just got a call about a contract from the Daily Bugle Newspaper in New York. Seems they want me to capture and/or kill this man spider that's been terrorizing the city. So long as I'm there I may as well take that Xanatos contract to deal with some Gargoyles that live in a tower.

Oh well, write more when I get back.

Xander.


	10. From the Journal of New York Xan

Date: January 24th 2002

Location: New York City. New York

Memo to Self: Investigate this 'Wilson' character that works for Xanatos.

Well I managed to catch up with this 'Spider Guy' character. (If you wanna find Slayers, Hang out in graveyards. If you wanna find men in tights that swing through the air with the greatest of ease. Find the location with the greatest unscheduled demolition going on.)

I mean, there he was dancing about while this sea-sick Gnome guy (I think that was his name.) kept tossing these pumpkin bombs all over the place.

And through it all this arachni guy would not SHUT UP! (Geez, now I know how the demons back home must have felt about me… it gets REALLY annoying.)

Anyways after 9/11 and that Florida Keys fiasco flying around dropping bombs… IS A REALLY BAD IDEA!

It took about six minutes of spidey dancing with this guy before these SHELL or SHEILD (whatever their name is) guys showed up in fighters that looked like they fell off the front page of a freaking comic book and blew the green meanie out of the sky.

He made a fantastic attempt at dodging the missiles, unfortunately for him, impact detonation went out of style in world war one.

You see, there's this nifty little thing called 'Proximity Detonation' and it's really cool, it means the boom stuff goes boom when it gets NEAR the target… making dodging a very, very, tricky thing.

Anyway, I managed to get a scrap of cloth that tore off of spider guy and went looking for someone to ask questions of. (Found Willy after a little looking, little weirdo was sitting in a coffee shop going by Bob and talking about himself in the third person.)

I managed to get him to stop that after about five minutes by threatening to rip his arms off and strangle him with his own hands.

After that little bit of unpleasantness he was much more willing to tell me everything he knew about the eight legged wonder of the world that ain't eight legged. After spilling his guts, (Not literally, what do you think I am, some sort of psycho?) he actually managed to point me in the direction of a Hydraxa Tracker.

He said it was fool proof as Hydraxa can track any DNA back to its original host.

The Tracker took one whiff of the mask and was gone.

(Secondary memo to Self: Getting Hydraxa goo out of your clothes after its head explodes is harder then you would think… try seltzer water.)

It seems Hydraxa explode if there is more than one being with the same DNA.

I don't see how there could be more than one, but exploding heads don't lie.

Anyways, I went to cancel the contract and this Jamerson guy hit the freaking ROOF. (Almost took a swing at this Parker guy before my mind caught up and warned me it wasn't 'Buffy's' Parker.)

Well after dealing with the threats of exposure from JJJ, I headed out to Xanatos' place and found out one critical piece of information.

The man had money, no no that doesn't quite sum it up. HE HAS M.O.N.E.Y!

I mean he built a freaking castle on top of a sky scraper, for heavens sake. The architectural supports on that building alone boggle the mind.

I was met on the ground by this 'Wilson' character who claimed to be Mr. Xanatos' personal assistant.

Yeah, right and great Uncle Ralph is the long lost heir to the British throne. Trust me there is something very not right about this guy. He's setting off my Hellmouth vibes in ways you would not believe.

After resisting the urge to behead the guy, I was escorted into the presence of David Xanatos himself. The man wore power like I wear goodwill rejects.

It's as if all the power and wealth and fame he's amassed over the years are simply his just due. As if that is the way things were supposed to be.

He stared at me like I was some sort of bug for several seconds before he actually spoke and when he did it was as if I was a special needs kid or something.

After ignoring the urge to behead HIM. (And a secondary Urge to call him Number Two, I don't quite understand that one.) I informed his mightiness that Yes, I did know what a Gargoyle was, Yes I did know they were real. Yes, I did in fact know they turned to stone in the day and believe it or not that Yes, I did have some experience dealing with problems like this.

After leaving the arrogant Putz's office I headed back to my car for some searching of the Gargoyles on the net in hopes of finding their resting place.

After climbing through a mountain of 'Eye Witness Reports' and half baked 'Gargoyle/Hunchback of Notre Dame lovechild' stories from the Sun and other such 'Investigative reporting' sites I finally started to narrow the search down.

It seems that the Gargoyle sightings started just about the time that final construction was finished on Xanatos's 'Castle in the Sky' and for a tiny bit resided in the same area before moving.

And except for a few scattered reports of Gargoyle thefts these Gargoyles seemed to be more focused on stopping problems than starting them. Even going so far as to fight other Gargoyles to save lives.

Sigh that leads me here, sitting in a diner down the street from a police precinct as I watch the tower for any signs of movement.

I doubt I'll turn these guys over to Xanatos as they seem to be the good guys, (That and Xanatos REALLY got on my nerves.) all the same I'd like to figure out where they came from, because according to Giles, most Gargoyles disappeared a couple hundred years ago. (Maybe I can keep Xanatos off their backs by slapping him with a fine for hunting large nearly extinct birds?)

Dang this hot cop just walked into the Diner with a red leather coat on. (I've always been partial to women in leather… maybe it has something to do with laughing boy.)

Oh well, it seems I'm not going to get paid for this either, maybe I need I nice quiet job.

I got a message earlier about a monster in a 'Black Lake' down in Maine, how hard can it be if everyone calls it 'Lake Placid' hmm?

Write more when I figure this all out.

-Xander


	11. Last Entry Of Xander Harris

Date: February 7th 2002

Location: Classified

Memo to Self: Shaving a Sasquatch to look like a poodle is a very bad idea.

Secondary memo to self: dying the remaining hair of said Sasquatch pink is also to be avoided.

Tertiary Memo to self: Ideas concerning punishment for overactive Sasquatches should never be made while inebriated.

Well Black Lake turned out to be a bust, I spent a week there and aside from a really freaky old woman that lives near the lake I didn't see hide nor hair of a monster.

I did get the funny feeling I was being tracked on the last day though, even went so far as to warn the local Sheriff and the Fish and Game guy who were headed out to tag beavers.

The Sheriff looked like he was just humoring me but the FaG man was a total ass, I really felt sorry for the Sheriff, so I gave him my last package of Twinkies before heading back to town.

Got back to the shop for less than a day when these reports of Bigfoot sightings started to pour in.

It seems a young adult had decided to leave the reservation and have a little fun by scaring campers. (Sort of a supernatural version of 'Cow Tipping' I guess)

Since technically the Hairy guys fall under the jurisdiction of Special Unit Two I would usually pawn it off on them and let them deal with it. (Idiots are actually calling the damn Bumps 'Links' like there all some short elves or something.) The problems arose when SU2 sent back notice that they were ordered off by the Oversight Committee and a 'Special Team' was being dispatched to handle the situation.

This of course had Cluster Fuck written all over it. Fortunately I don't work for the oversight committee and as such I could handle the situation as I saw fit. (For the protection of innocent civilians of course.)

Well, I made it out to Colorado in record time and you'll never guess who met me at the airport.

That's right, Captain 'I'm married to someone with an actual personality' Finn.

I first thought he was the special team sent to the area.

Unfortunately Riley warned me of a team already in the area, some NID group that had orders to capture the Sasquatch for dissection.

Now I'm fine with the NID's General Plan, I mean I have NO PROBLEM with people saving the earth.

I do have a problem with them dissecting an innocent creature on the POSSIBILITY of it helping them save the planet, but both Riley and I had very strict orders NOT TO HARM The NID Agents.

We'll we didn't like that at all, presidential orders or no, that's just plain rude.

But being the good soldiers that we are, Riley and I agreed and swore we would in no way harm the NID Agents.

Tranquilize them, yes. Drug them, maybe. Ship them overnight to an East Indian Hospital for some sex change operations…

…

…

No… we would NEVER Do such a thing as that!

Honest.

Anyway, after we made sure the other team was otherwise… occupied, Riley and I set out to find our wayward Wookie.

It took Finn and me two days to track the Sassy to his cave and another to catch sight of him long enough to tag him with a tranquilizer.

Then of course came the mad hunt through the woods as we tried to find a drug drunk Sasquatch.

Needless to say, by the time we had found him again and caged him up for transport back to his people, Riley and I were in serious need of inebriation ourselves.

Settling down in a bar Riley got to talking about some of the more… colorful operations he had been on over the last couple of years.

One drink turned to two, two turned to six and before we knew it Riley and I had come to the conclusion that the Sasquatch needed to be taught a lesson for thinking he could get away with scaring humans for fun.

After more drinks than could possibly be good for the decision making process, Riley and I finally settled on a suitable punishment for the hairy young Bump.

We of course set our plan into motion immediately and the next thing I remember was waking next to a thoroughly traumatized Bigfoot as he blubbered repeated apologies in his own language.

Riley and I managed to get all the ribbons out of his remaining hair before we let him go (On the promise of good behavior of course.)

After we talked it over, Riley decided to stick around and watch for any attempt at reprisal from the Sasquatch nation.

Only thing is, I hear the entire group has packed, up lock, stock and barrel and is currently making tracks for Canada.

Well, I guess I can't complain too much, but I've got this O'Malley character from SU2 begging to know what I did while a Colonel Harry Maybourne is screaming bloody murder about his 'Team'

I don't know what he's so angry about, I even made sure the surgery was covered by their Medical Insurance Plan.

I have a few days before I have to head out again, something about a monster fish that's eating boaters off the Carolina Coast.

Something about electrical attacks and being larger then a whale.

Don't really know what it's all about but I have a few days before I can head over there.

-Xander.

--

(A/N) You have no clue how hard it was for me to write this chapter out.

I hope you all enjoy it and please review?

-Tjin


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